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  • There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.


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  • If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

    • safe.....
  • To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
    		• baby spud spud!!
  • As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
    • just the ticket after a biff.

    leonard wacks up the instant heart attack on a plate, dunno about the beans tho len.
    		STAIRS
  • You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
    • HELLO PADDY?

    I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

    		FUNKY

    If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

    aint that right lurgans

    I'M FROM BELFAST, THATS THE BIG SMOKE WHERE SHIT HAPPENS AND STUFF.
    		THE MIGHTY HAMMOND

     
    THOMAS THE HAMMER
  • He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

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    ME, PADDY AND RICHIE HAVENS

     

     
    KING DENNY IS GOD.

     
    		THOSE SHIT NECKS, WHY?

    WATERY SCUM.
    SOME PICS FROM A DO WE DONE DID ONE TIME
  • Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.